From: chrisj@dircon.co.uk (Christine Johnston)
Newsgroups: rec.autos.sport.f1
Subject: Secret Diary of Jacques Villeneuve
Date: Mon, 28 Jul 1997 21:09:08 +0000
Organization: Dircon
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Thursday, 24 July
I have arrived at Hockenheim to show these Germans that I will beat
Schumacher.  I have prepared meticulously - I have dyed my roots and
have bought a pair of those trendy Japanese titanium framed spectacles.
But I don't understand: Damon got death threats, he gets beer poured
over his car, they fire rockets at him, but they just ignore me.  Maybe
I haven't voiced enough opinions?  I need to hint more about Ferrari
cheating with traction control..... its the only way to sell more
t-shirts these days.  For sure.

Friday, 25 July
To the circuit for the first practice sessions.  Again I am ignored.
Not even a hurled insult.  In the motorhome HHF is rocking back and
forth and keening 'I *wasn't a mistake'.  Patrick clips him round the
ear and sends him to the garage.  'The only generation gap around here
is the one between your ears!' he yells after him.  I follow HHF before
he spots me.  Frank wheeled off saying he was going to explore his
options.

I set a bad time in the sessions but it has nothing to do with my
driving in the wet, for sure.  It must be the engine is low on power.  I
told Renault to change it.  The bad balance of the car and the
understeer is obviously a design fault and is immune to my maverick
genius at car set up.  Patrick gives me a funny look which I am sure is
admiration for my innovative ideas.

Saturday, 26 July
For sure I was 9th in qualifying and behind HHF but it was obviously
because the engine was low on power.  I told Renault to change it.
Patrick has now started to mutter along with the funny looks.  Obviously
his admiration is overspilling.  He sees that I have Schumacher on the
run who has only managed a paltry 4th place on the grid.  9th is nothing
to the likes of me..... I will pass them all on my way to the front for
I am a Racing God.  For sure.  HHF has stopped keening and is even
beginning to string sentences together again.  I must put a stop to
that.  Frank wheeled off saying he had some depreciation to calculate.

Sunday, 27 July
All went well in the warm up and I was back on top of the times.
However Damon's Arrows was fractionally behind me which must mean I'm
low on engine power.  I told Renault to change it.  Now they are also
giving me funny looks and muttering.  They admire my experience and
professionalism.  For sure.

The car let me down in the race.  I had just played my ultimate tactical
move by letting Trulli past and was planning on totally demoralising him
by sweeping past again when my car refused to brake later than the
recommended braking distance and promptly spun off the track and into
the gravel through no fault of my own.  After all, its not like I'm some
sort of hack driver like Pedro Diniz who can't overtake.  For sure, if
it had been a CART race they would have brought out the pace car and
towed me back into the race.  F1 has so much to learn from CART.

Back at the pits HHF was grabbing everyone in the team and whimpering
'It was Eddie, I tell you!' and Patrick was bending spanners with his
bare hands.  Frank wheeled off saying he had Damon's home phone number
somewhere.  I headed for the motorhome for the debrief reflecting on a
job well done that had sadly come to an untimely end through no fault of
mine.  I bet Michael is feeling the pressure now.  For sure.